Well all my observations and previous trips shrunk away last night as I climbed into a cab and realised, that my life was now in the hands of a fuck wit. That’s right, a dead set certified driving a piece of machinery capable of killing others and ME, He should never have been granted a licence car control fucking idiot.

At a personal level, the fellow driving the cab is quite possibly a great bloke, to be honest, I would not know if this is true or not, certainly I had no politeness issues with him except for the fact I COULDNT UNDERSTAND ONE FUCKING WORD HE SAID FOR THE WHOLE TRIP!. YEP, cant speak one fucking drop of I can decipher you fucking English.


I would be guessing and say the gentleman was Indian, hell, maybe Sri Lankan, maybe even a Pakistani for that matter. But what I do know is as follows.


1 I climbed in at southern cross station and said..Take me to BM please, via the west gate Freeway.

2 That resulted in a blank fucking look, some gibberish and me pointing the direction he should head, which resulted in an illegal U TURN ACROSS THE FUCKING TRAFFIC.

Q. What Cab driver does not know how to get to the WEST GATE FREEWAY, Melbourne’s biggest, stands out like dogs balls bridge I ont know, but I struck a fuckker who ha no clue.

3 HE drive the whole way, all 35 klms on the right side of the two lane freeway, yep!, thats right, lets not move over into the left fucking lane, lets be a cabbie with our head up our date,  got my licence from a BAG OF FUCKING RICE stay out in the right fucking lane air sucking idiot.

4 Oscillation, weaving and general lack of car control , perhaps he was suffering some form of fine motor skill, temporary suspension. I have no clue. But its the wildest most wobbly fucking ride I have ever had, I actually wondered all the way home at what point we would have an accident,Thinking that my last act before I died, would be to ensure this fucker was already dead as a result of my hands around his scrawny fucking neck.

NOW, this all leads me to both Vic roads, and the Victorian TAXI Directorate. how in the fuck did this bloke get a licence, i wouldn’t put the fucker in charge of an OX CART, let alone a late model 6 cylinder automobile with PASSENGERS IN IT!.


whats just a fucking bad, imagine being a tourist and getting the dumb fucking GIT, that doesn’t know his way around the city..yes, i know he i only trying to make a living, but i thought some standards for cabbies might be a minor requirement, bit like being able to speak fucking English that doesn’t sound like its underwater and backwards dialect.


Both these mobs need to have thy head honchos dragged out into the open and the living shit beat out of them, the system, if thats what they really fucking call it is simply fucked, when somebody that cannot drive, cannot speak English and sure as fuck does not know the road rules, gets giving a Victorian fucking we will let you loose on our roads cos we are concerned about the road tolls driving licence and then get his stinking fucking carcass shoved into a CAB, where we guarantee that he is going to place the mortality of other at EXTREME FUCKING RISK!. What fucking tool does that. fuckheads at vicRoads and the taxi Directorate that’s who!.


I mentioned stinking fucking carcass, well, the inside of the cab suggested that , by the ODOUR, the vehicle is utilised for stock movements perhaps in its down time, that or there are several year old Kebabs rolling around the rear. For FUCK SAK, i had to have the window down the whole way home, I had to tell him he was in a 110 kilometer per hour zone because he was doing 85 and chewing up my hard earned fucking cash. the tone and level of growl I delivered the last to him, was clearly understood as the velocity of our wobble all over the road like a pissed newt certainly increased.

One thing is for sure, i can guarantee you, that visitors to Melbourne will receive a lasting impression of our city when the get in a Melbourne taxi, thats: they will have an ingrained stench within their skin after the trip, brown pants from shitting themselves and be completely fucking broke as a result of the trip go g via bum fuck east, cos the cabbie does not know the difference between the CBD and HOBART!. FUCK ME, what  fucked up service. CAP THE FUCKERS!, CAP TEH FUCKWADDED, air sucking knuckle dragging dickheads at Vic Roads and the TAXI, we will manage it bosses as well.


10 thoughts on “GOD DAM FKN CAB DRIVERS!

  1. He probably didn’t have a license, borrowed his mates for a night or something – best thing was you tweeted to us the whole way so it was fun to follow along

  2. Ah, lovely.

    I did a few years as a part-time cabbie in Briz, back when I was funding my education, more or less. It was an entertaining way to make barely enough money to scrape by in a share-house situation.

    Don’t get me wrong: a bad cabbie’s a bad cabbie. But he was probably about half an hour from flat-out collapsing behind the wheel from lack of sleep.

    (I always knew when to call it a night. When I found myself waiting for stop signs to turn green, I figured I was doing nobody any good on the road.)

    Problem with cabs in general: you can only make any money on a Friday or a Saturday night. Rest of the week is desperate stuff. So… if they lay on extra cabs, those cabs just won’t make a profit. So the system’s pretty well stuck.

  3. A fairly shit job, which is why noone but newly arrived immigrants are prepared to do it. A bloke wrote a book about being an ’emergency’ cabbie during the Sydney 2000 Olympics – after reading his story I always, always tip cabbies. Anthony Sharwood the bloke’s name was, not sure what the book was called. Might have been ‘You talking to me?’ or something (yeah, yeah, bad Taxi Driver reference.)

  4. H may I suggest next time (because there will be a next time), have him pull up at a station and change cabs? There are some woeful ones out there.

  5. Hey, where ya been, chief?

    Last time I was in Chicago for a Bears game, I caught a cab to go down to the Loop. We actually got a driver that spoke English and was from the City-an event of such rarity as to never be repeated! He actually took us on the most direct route to where we were going, and the cab was, if not spotless, at least tolerable. The suspension in the cab was also in good repair. What more can a traveler ask?

    D’ya think all the cab drivers in, say, Kolkata or Rawalpindi or Colombo are Americans or Australians? It’d be a great cosmic joke!

  6. Bwahahaha!

    There should be some minimum standards for the job – but, it would still be a pretty thankless task.

    Glad that you survived

  7. I think Uamada hit the nail on the head. I think there is a lot more cab drivers with a different name to that which is on their licence, than anyone dares admit.

    They are tested and there is a minimum standard so for some of these people either never sat the test or the testing process is corrupted. I once got a cab in North Richmond and asked to go to the Tennis Centre, cabbie needed directions.

    Interestingly there has recently been a massive crackdown in Sydney over cabbies refusing fares, exposed by a newpaper reporting asking about 100 cabs for a trip and publishing the regos of those that refused the fare or wanted a set fee.

    There has also been growing issues on talkback radio here, so it looks like cabbies are about to become a news media soft target. Hopefully it might result in a lifting of minimum standards.

  8. When they are good they are really great but when they are bad they are terrible.

    I have had some wonedrful chats with hard-working new Australians who are just so happy to be working here in a place where no-one is trying to kill them, they aren’t living cheek to jowl with the entire extended family + village in hovels and they have what they see as unlimited opportunities to make their own way in the world.

    Other trips have made the one Havock described seem like a joy-ride…

    However in my experience for some reason they are always worse in Sydney!

  9. Have to say to date never had a bad cab ride in Sydney…

    Had some ordinary ones here in dullsville.

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