Hmm seems MEN do domestic things slightly….Different

RIGHTO then, well for starter we are now over our little black cloud moment we had Wednesday, post that Interview fuck up. The boss lady took off for work this morningan we headed down the street, admin duties to be done, stopped by Mc d’s and grabbed me Cappuccino washed the ute at the car wash, bought food, payed a couple of bill, grabbed the paper and bolted back home.

We then decided to embark, once again on the domestic chores, first job..Vacuum the bloody floors. now this may well be  a straight forward exercise, but for some reason the ” I cost as much as a weekend away with boys on the piss” Vacuum cleaner was not, I REPEAT NOT, sucking up the shit like it should. So we did the HAND OVER THE SUCTION END, a couple of time thing, but alas, the fucking mongrel bred arse wipe of a machine didn’t change its intake velocity. OK, empty the pre catch chamber thingamajig which is clear, but no longer see through cos the fucker is full.

That done, it did improve somewhat, somewhat I said, NOT A GREAT FUCKING DEAL IN MY BOOK. So we moved to stage two, which under normal circumstances or in the shed, would have been firstly to kick the fucking thing, then follow up with a HAMMER HIT. BUT….OH YES, its the boss ladies god dam I cost ya a fucking arm and leg plus one left knacker pride and effin joy, so dents and scrathes will result in apendages of MINE being rather roughly removed. NOT something i really need at ths point in time.

OK, so the bag bloody thing possibly needs emptying out, just push that button thing and it should pop open or split in half or whatever the fuck the vac does when you want to change the bag right!. WRONG, ten fucking minutes it took be to get the useless piece of shit to open up and extract the bag..I SHIT YOU NOT. talk about a poorly fucking designed set up, well, I THINK SO ANYWAYS. So empty the bag, go looking for some replacements and guess what, we dont know where they are…mmmmm Call boss lady on phone and get no answer. GREAT, JUST FUCKING PEACHY. WHAT NOW!.

Well, out to the bin, remove the fucker we just tossed out and proceed to shake the living crap out of it, poke it and prode it and shake the fucker some more to get all the dusty fucking crap out that OH SO GOD DAM SMALL FUCKWAD OF A HOLE!. Another 15 minutes of precious time tossed out into oblivion, never to be reclaimed.

So we circle back into the house, have three attempts at getting the fucking back back in and the lid close without snapping the lid off its god dam hinges and PRESTO..THE FUCKER SUCKS UP SHIT like you would not believe. So now we stack everything up, chairs, books and shoes and shit the ” I can’t put shit in my room kids” have strewn all around the pondo, then, and only then is it time to vacuum and what a stellar fucking job we did. BUT IT GETS BETTER.

The floors needed mopping, so we toddle into the laundry and get out the ENJO mop and ENJO floor moppers, enviro friendly re usabl;e thingamajic, which just simply gets re washed aparently after you have utilised it, takes shit off the fllor failry well I must admit, but, BUT!, like all things the FEMALES utilise around the house they occasionally need some TOOL TIME TIM methodology and works attached or even applied to them.

So one then pops out to the laundry and grabes the bottle of Handy Andy, plus the bottle of Domestos and a bucket and proceeds to fill up said bucket with HOT, BOILING FUCKING HOT WATER. then, having placed the bucket on the floor, you tip over the Handy Andy floor cleaner into it, much like pouring spirits into a glass, down and the all the way up your arm goes, all the while liquid is pouring out..that should do, …….NAH, a bit more goes in just to be sure. Then you should grab the domestos bottle, hold it upside down with TWO hand and Squeeeeeeeeze the fuck out of it, into the bucket. WICKED..I simply love the smell of domestos, but the Boss lady hates the shit, except for the toilets. ME, well i would use the shit everywhere if i thought I could get away with it, which…Because she was outta the house I could.

WRONG!,

OH SHIT. Turns out she got home early, here i be, utilising the enviro friendly ENJO mop and cleaner thing with about 2 litres of Handy Andy and Domestos in the ” it should only have warm water in it ” bucket, got around three quarters of the tiles done before she came in and then…. IT HIT THE FAN. A might displeased with havocks attempt at floor sterilisatinon we could say, so having had the animated discussion I was informed that she was off to luch with the girlfriends, which is a good thing.

 

NOW, we have rinsed the attachment out completely, albeit in HOT WATER, what she doesn’t know ont hurt her there. Floors done and everything back in its place.

OH, I forgot to mention seems that having Nessen dorma cranking outta the stero at around 100Db whilst moppong the floor is not good either, the Wagner came on and she simply shook her head, proceeded staright to the VOLUME knob and turned it DOWN. THANK FUCK SHE HAS GONE OUT IS ALL I CAN SAY.

SO, whats wrong with improving on something that some cretin OS has come up with, yes it might NOT be as enviro friendly with tht Domestos and Handy Andy added, but by fuck it rips the shit OFF the floor, you could eat off the bastards now, and thats gotta be a GOOD THING ….RIGHT!.

 

At this point I’m not even going to tell ya about the FOLDING up the washing issue that was in the mix either, cos…well, I might.. HELL, OK. seems that I do it ALL WRONG, ya not meant to stuff clothing into the basket after it has been on the line, its got so few creases in it aparently that folding for the majority is ok, whats left that has to be IRONED has minimal Ironing at best. Having jammed all the clothes lines contents into the one basket, afterall we are talking logistics here, the less trips the better, its keeping Food consumption down and that means less O2 emmisions for the planet…RIGHT..oops No aparently NOT, I might need to work on that one a bit i guess. But at least i am still alive and she hasn’t at this point in time threatened to go to the gun cabinet…YET!.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Hmm seems MEN do domestic things slightly….Different

  1. Bro, you’ve gotta accept that you will never do it right, because then she will be redundant. Accept young padwan that you have much to learn in the Way of Cleaning.

    FFS do not bring this up as a “Conversation starter with her lady friends” you will be mocked until the end of time.

    Don’t you think that vacuum would go better with some independantly suspended knobbly tires, & perhaps some lights? You know for clearing stairs, shag carpets & stuff? And we could whack on a “second stage” turbo suck system. 10 Amps is for pussies – I reckon we could give her some extra poke with 3 phase.

  2. Bagless vacuum cleaners fucking ROCK. We got a Dyson, kicks arse, no more bags. Though I reckon you’d do well rigging up one of them Kreepy Krawly pool cleaner things with a vacuum cleaner attachment and just let it run its way round the house while you retire to the deck with a couple of chilled refreshers. Itll eventually find its way round all the carpeted areas. Might suck up a few of the missus’ favourite trinkets or the family pet on the way, but it’s a small price to pay for technological progress.

  3. Still laughing. LOVE Domestos too…..and chainsaws. That shit SHOULD have a place of its own in the shed. IT deserves it.

  4. NBOB..I reckon ya onto something there, all domestic appliances should be readily upgradable 3 phase or NUFFIN and the fucker who came up with pastic shitty, I ‘ll not follow you anywahere wheeels needs cappin as well

    DOC..Its on HER GOD DAM LIST, I only just managed to stop it getting one of them, YEAH..PETS..WHAT PETS, I dont see any..lol

    Naut: JUST WAIT, you may well think you are exempt at the mo…..BUT I KNOW, whats waiting down the track for you Mister..Oh yes, THE HORROR!

    Moko: LMAO..HELL YES, that shit is the next bst thing to Thinners i reckon.

  5. I am going to go over the line here, as far as I am concerned and this goes for guys and gals, if you don’t like the job, stop your whinging and do it your bl**dy self! Simple. I don’t expect something done for me to be exactly how I would do it because I didn’t do it!

  6. Domestos is the shiznit. It’ll kill anything you don’t want to have breeding in the bathroom. I reckon you should be able tyo use it on all surfaces including carpet, walls, ceilings, blinds, curtains, bedclothes, everyfucking where. Just imagine, just spray the whole house with the stuff and then get one of those big fuck off mops and wipe the house down. Cleaning done! You may need one of those pg flu masks when you do it.
    But for practicality, Dr Y’s Kreepy-Krawly mod FTW.

  7. My rule is “this is the way I do this job … you want it done your way you do it”.

    A cleaner is on my to do list.

  8. THERBS..I like ya thinking, I’m…ALMOST..I say ALMOST..in lurvvvv with ya.. Wicked.

    Bangar. when ya find a cheapie let me know…

  9. You know, you CAN buy replacement vacuum cleaner bags, Mr Mom. Otherwise I don’t see anything wrong with any of what you’ve done. Everyone knows most products and cleaning processes have plenty of room for refinement.

    Now take the laundry. See how to improve on the washer and dryer right here:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s